Abused By Me

It is said that one had to be young and foolish before becoming old and wise.

I, for one, have learnt that fact and taken heed to it; take for example, my homophobic stance and religious beliefs, when I was a teenager, as I grew older and wiser, my views on such have taken an almost 360-degree turn.

No different than my views, back then, on relationships between a man and a woman, where fights always included physical assaults.

Saying ‘my views’ in the sense of my personal opinion is partially correct, while the other part is based upon facts, considering that I was born into a culture and a society where such assaults were common sightings; men slapped women and in some cases, kicked and punched them like it was nothing and likewise, women did the same to men.

Fights in general, between any combination of sexes were natural to be of ‘no holds barred’ and one was expected to be the victor by use of all and any means necessary.

That was some of my early learning and cultural development, so by the time I had my first girlfriend and heated conversation which led to a fight, the norm occurred, we both fought like we were taught to do. And although females were deemed the weaker sex and the expected one to lose a battle with a man, that was not always the case.

Throughout my youth, I had two or three associations with females which I would classify as ‘relationships’; those lasted anywhere from three years to over a decade, all other associations, to me, were mere flings or spats, as I like to call them.

It means we saw each other, intimately, but it was never intended or expected to be serious, and it never was.

Still, like my earlier relationships, some of these spats had feuding moments, and me not being a saint can admit that on a few occasions, assaulted them, while likewise was assaulted by them; for me, at that time, it was simply a fight, nothing more, nothing less, just the norm. And especially because on no occasions any one ever suffered a black eye, busted lips, broken bones or bloodshed injuries, there was never a need to call the emergency services.

Life went on, as normal, until I moved to the United States, adapting a different culture and learning a new way of living.

One of my first opinion of the USA was that they were a delicate and sensitive nation, considering that a verbal altercation duly warranted the presence of the police, in contrast to where I was coming from, where the police only came in near death situations.

In the late 1980s and early 1990s the words stress and abuse took on a whole new meaning, and living in the US, at that time, pretty much gave me front seat attendance to the classes and lessons of defining Stress and Abuse.

And like wildfire, it spread, and the rest of the world took on claims of Stress and Abuse even in the most minute situations; over the years, claims have similarly added and widened the definition of sexual abuse too.

In recent years, every so often, the news would declare that someone, mostly individuals who are renowned to us, are alleged to have sexually assaulted or physically abused another person or a queue of victims.

These claims are as popular, today, as smart phones are. And when these allegations are aired, I, for one, always think it could be true, while it could be a flat out lie with intentions of malice.

Still, I believe that these allegations should never be ignored, for the sake of genuine victims, and justification should be rendered to all and any human being who has been deprived of human happiness by another human being.

Being an advocate of such, and even with the acknowledgment of my youthful behaviors, which I obviously cannot change, I undoubtedly exempt myself from ever being categorized as an abuser, at any point of my life.

Other than knowing that to be a fact, my defense would be “Ask any of my exes!” and I assure you that they’d say, “Oh, when he was younger, he possessed that expected aggression and violent streak, but abuse, no!”

Let’s define Abuse: ‘to continuously treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way’.

The key words here are continuously and harmful. In other words, if it’s on a single occasion, it is by me, defined as an assault and any continuous mode of assault is then defined as abuse.

So, you know that it almost took my breath away, recently, when I came across one of my ex-spat, online, whom I hadn’t seen nor spoken to, in eight or more years, when she accused me of abusing her during the nine or ten-month fling we had almost two decades ago.

Here I was all excited to see her name prompt up on my social network under ‘People You May Know’, after clicking the profile and realizing that she’s married with children, etc., I was more than happy to contact her to extend my congratulations and so on; after all, and as far as I knew, we had what we had and it dissolved respectfully.

But she had a whole other version of what we had, and apparently was abused by me.

I had to object and double-checked, by asking her if she knew who I was or was she mistaking me for someone else; of course I recalled our few months together, she was in her late teens, and I remembered we fought on a few occasions, but what I recalled most, was that we did not live together.

She came and went as she pleases, never by force, threats or beyond her will; furthermore, she never suffered any physical injuries, caused by me, and neither did I, by her. And at no time, existed a situation, where I or her felt the need to call the police.

Flabbergasted while challenging her allegation of abuse, immediately spiralled downward when she insinuated an additional abuse, of a sexual nature, regarding me and her younger sister, who had to be about fifteen years old back then.

I didn’t want to brag, but the moment called for it, in my defense.

Throughout my life and having shortcomings of various privileges, sex was never one, and I was never short on volunteering partners.

Child Abusers, Rapist and Sex Offenders should be crucified, that was a stand instilled in me, culturally, which has not and, I doubt, will ever change.

So, as you can imagine, by this time of corresponding with my ex-spat, I am seriously questioning whether or not she was sane, truly believed what she was saying or willfully trying to be a victim of abuse.

And after a few minutes of feeling annoyed, I reflected back on the real world, where some of my most admired celebrities are being publicly humiliated by similar allegations, and felt, for a moment, their pains, because whether found to be true or false, people, their fans and supporters will always be left with a doubt of whether or not their fame and popularity bought them their justice, and forever, in instances where they are actually upstanding human beings, who made the efforts and led pure lives, it will appear to have been all for nothing.

And on the other hand, where true victims of abuse and sexual assaults, are trying to be heard, women like my ex-spat, makes it so difficult, for them with their false allegations and cries for help.

“En route to adulthood, I genuinely suffered, and will forever be offended by those who falsely claim to have suffered, in any way, merely for attention.”

Ian T. Sebàs © 2016